You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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