great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
