I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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