I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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