never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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