he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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