well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
