I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
