he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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