No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
