Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
