theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
