but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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