I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
