i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
