If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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