I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
