Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
