Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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