You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
