Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober January is a disaster.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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