I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
