My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
