Non-Jews are for practice
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
