I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
