Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
