guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
