There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
