He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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