dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
