I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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