If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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