you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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