you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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