Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
