I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
