the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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