Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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