i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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