When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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