I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
