There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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