Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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