the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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