you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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