This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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