I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
