I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
