well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
