did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
