i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
