This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
