Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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