i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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