I want to walk on stilts...naked
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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