new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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