I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
