Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
