Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
