I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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